Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

haha same

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Saturday

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?