Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.