tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession