tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
He’s cranky this morning
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor