tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The Onion called it…again.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total