Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Yup.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.