tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
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I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
found a horse’s reddit account
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
nothing saves money like being antisocial
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”