Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

X-tra spooky blend

Donkey Kong sommelier