Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
🤯🤯🤯
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.