Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.