Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
You Might Also Like
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Fries, not lies.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Have a lovely day 😊
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
😂😂😂
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.