Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket