Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!