Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Breaking news:
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision