Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.