@JustDontBugMe
[god creating raccoons]
God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
Angel: But…
God: Just do it.
@MumInBits
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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@JustDontBugMe
@primawesome
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
@WilliamAder
Just imagine how good prescription cheese would be.
@MelvinofYork
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
@withanewname
Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”
@xofreckles
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
@PleaseBeGneiss
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
@faizziy
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
@Vodkantots
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.