@MumInBits

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

You Might Also Like

@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@withanewname

Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”

@xofreckles

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

@PleaseBeGneiss

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.