Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.