[god creating raccoons]
God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
God: Just do it.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Just imagine how good prescription cheese would be.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
W: “they’re running along side the car”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.