Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Sing it!

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

So true for me

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.