Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*