Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Great acting.. 😂
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name