Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”