Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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bros in the example zone 😭
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream