Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.