Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”