tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.