Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

no regrets

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Weirdos gonna weird.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”