Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.