Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now