Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.