Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Do not levitate over flowers
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
my professor scared me for a second
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”