Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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Welcome
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs