Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

My mom texting me from an anime convention

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

“you changed” bro i was 15

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip