[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Sorry not sorry.