Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.