Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.