Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Day 2 of my diet

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.