Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.