Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread