Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.