Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*