Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob