Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

🫶

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.