Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on