Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
You Might Also Like
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Tier 3 meme
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I love it all
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*