Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
no one likes gloating
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*