Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.