Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
opening twitter today
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The first one, obviously
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now