Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lassie, get help!

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Siri, fight Alexa.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?