Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

step 6: release the wall snake

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.