Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
This line from Airplane.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?