Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
very niche meme I made
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest