Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What