Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

hi why am I like this

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

normalize having existential bread

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff