Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
