tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Software Development ⛵️
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*