tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them