Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.