Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.