Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

This is so wrong 😂

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.