Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

BETRAYAL

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit