Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.