Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
You Might Also Like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
LOL!
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
opening twitter today
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?