Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*