tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
cats when you pet them too long:
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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