tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If my kids invented a drink.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!