tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
incredible book dedication
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
How high do the levels go?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
