Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
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Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
this is funnier than any friends episode
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
We found love in a hopeless place.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”