Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

look scared

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

The new American dream is an alien invasion.