Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
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Please vote for people who are attractive
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
no their not
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.