Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

me as a parent

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving