Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
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Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
plums roundup
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.