Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise