Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

I basically called this earlier today

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

HELP 😭

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Venn

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene