Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Why are bridges so flammable.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
