Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
was Jim off killing horses or…
