Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

How to properly lift a body

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

They also CAN sing✌️

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?