Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.